I am not okay

Ten days later and I am still so hurt and confused. I've spent the last week and a half being brave, wearing a smile, talking to other people who are in shock, and just generally trying to hold it together. However, here I am at 6:00 on a Saturday morning, sobbing, still trying to wrap my brain around it. How did we get here? How did this happen? What am I going to do? And I don't mean from a revolutionary standpoint. I know I'm going to stand up and fight. I'm going to join protests and attend meetings, call my congressman, sign petitions, and keep screaming until my dying breath.

I mean what am I going to do? In my everyday life, I am now facing challenges I never imagined. How am I going to pay for my daughter's healthcare when she loses her coverage? How are we going to pay higher taxes when Trump cuts child tax credits? What if my birth control fails and I find myself pregnant in Trump's America? Carrying a baby to term would jeopardize my life. If Roe v Wade is reversed I will have limited options.

Logically I know that he cannot make all these changes on his own. When I listen to my brain it says he won't always have the full support of Congress to get issues passed. It says that one person does not make up the government. But my heart says look at the potential for deviststion. Look at the destruction his promises could cause. And when I see the quality of people he is surrounding himself with in his transition team and his cabinet, it amplifys the fear. And when I see that he is already breaking with protocol in meetings with foreign leaders behind closed doors and he is refusing to get briefings and he's running this like he's the only one in control I am just reminded how we have elected a dictator. He's doing exactly what he promised and it is terrifying. And the last time I listened to my brain it said "Don't worry...Hillary Clinton has this election in the bag" while my heart was screaming that something was terribly wrong.

I will continue to fight and do my part to make this country a better place. But I foresee four more years of sleepless nights, second jobs, and the harsh reality that hatred and discrimination are going to be the norm. I am disappointed but not defeated, bent but not broken, devastated but not destroyed. I will wear my brave face...

but I am far from okay.